I'm Sorry and I Know It

OK I have to admit when I'm wrong. I've been working on myself for a long time. I've been through hell and back many times, and I only wanna go up from there.

Back in 2005, some ish happened, and I wound up losing friends, and more importantly, 2 national pageant titles I'd held in high regard. I was just tired and upset with being screwed over and over again. I did and said stuff I shouldn't have and have spent years regretting it.

Today, I've become a better person and pageant queen. Yet, I still don't feel completely over it. There's someone out there that still has ill feelings towards me. I understand why, but come on. It's been over 7 years. It's been more than enough time for them to like, heal and deal. I'm not asking for them to forgive and forget, but how about a little bit of tolerance. Is that so wrong? I've accepted that I was extremely wrong for what I did, but I hope they will accept the olive branch I'm extending.

A Monday of Remembrance 10/29/12

First, my thoughts go out to those dealing with ex-Hurricane Sandy. Stay safe!

Today marks the anniversary of one of the greatest moments of my life.

I'm gonna share a post I made to a board moments after it happened on October 29, 2010:

"So I was struggling between going to a Halloween party yesterday and participating in a live video chat with my idol, Cojo. Well, I figured it out. I had talked with the supervisor who was taking the group to the party, and he said I could arrive later, which was fine with me. That meant I could do both! But as it turned out...I didn't have a ride to the party. All but 2 of my clinical team members were in training, and my friend had had her car stolen TWICE this week...so there went that. Oh, well...

And now, to the moment I'd been waiting for for 4 years! The live video chat with Cojo! It was wonderful! Granted, I need a new headset, but nonetheless. I was honestly surprised that only a few people actually participated, not counting the staff and Cojo. The second I first heard his voice in my earbuds *Had to use my iPod earbuds...Vokle recommended that*, I almost passed out. The whole chat, even though there were others watching, it felt like it was a private show just for me.

The only thing that could be better than watching a video chat with Cojo...is ACTUALLY CHATTING WITH HIM!!

That's right. October 29, 2010...I got to talk one-on-one with Steven Cojocaru.

When he first greeted me, I was like, "WOW! This is actually happening!" He loved the shirt I was wearing. *Red satin, had planned to go as a gypsy to the Halloween party, but we all know what happened with that.* He called me sexy diva! LOVED IT! So we got to talking about how he's been a major inspiration in my life. Ironically...he said he doesn't really set out to be a role model or an inspiration. All he does is wake up and go out into the world with a "Kiss my A**" attitude. Like him, fine. Don't, fine. I wish could get some of that attitude. I asked him about his mom, since she gave him her kidney 5 years ago in a second transplant. He said she was doing wonderfully. So I told him about my mom, who's going through her own kidney drama along with everything else. He was floored when I told him she'd be 91 at the end of November. He said God bless her and to tell her he hopes that she lives to be 150! I was emotional when it came time to say so long. I told him he is awesome as Cojo, but he's even more awesome as Steven Cojocaru. When we cut off, my God...I was shaking, I was sobbing...and yet no tears were coming out. This was just ...the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me. It was like a religious experience cause we all know he's the closest I'll ever get to God. Wow...

The moral of the story...NEVER GIVE UP! Dreams do come true! Don't know when or where...but IT WILL HAPPEN."



2 years later...



My mom passed away on December 7, a little over a month after that chat.

I have such fond memories of that moment. I know some of you are thinking "Big deal. You talked to a celebrity." Or maybe "Who?"

Let me explain: In 2005, I was going through severe depression. Was suicidal for a good chunk of that year. Also, Cojo was going through his own kidney drama, including having 2 kidney transplants. He was the one thing I could count on to make me smile.

Over the next few years, I watched as he made an incredible comeback to the red carpet and TV. I made an emotional comeback as well.

But my world was almost destroyed again in 2009. I found him on Twitter and I admit, I was cocky and went overboard. So he blocked me. I was heartbroken. I lost faith in everything and got back on the depression train.

For the next year, I was looking for just the tiniest bit of hope that would bring me out of it. Then, 2 years ago today, it happened. I got to talk to him and thank him for making me believe I could come out a better person.

OK I'm still working on the "being a better person" thing...but I now believe it's all going to work out for me. :-)

Til next time...

Anti-Monday Report 8/20/12

Well, it's Monday again, and I'm feeling extra bitchy as is Monday tradition.

My muse and inspiration for my erotic fanfiction is Constantine Maroulis (Yes from American Idol, various TV and stage shows, that's him.). Why? Have you seen him? If he doesn't turn you on, you'd better be dead!
Anyhoo...he's doing a new show, Jekyll and Hyde. Honestly, while I have nothing against Deborah Cox (beautiful woman/lucky lady IMHO), I can't personally stand the fact that a certain publicity pic (My fellow GB Crew know the pic I'm talking about) is so hot. And I, like any other female Constantine fan, would give up their firstborn to be that close to him.

But I did find a way to actually hate that pic less. Just came up with it a while ago...

See, Constantine is a Greek God (In my eyes and several others)...but when I see that pic...I see God. The douchebag God, not the cool Facebook God. (Constantine is FAR from a douchebag btw!) It's a metaphor of how God is a controlling, abusive asshole with whom it's his way or his way. More dangerous than Edward Hyde, of course. But if it meant being Constantine's bitch, I'd definitely choose him over God in a New York minute.

So I see that pic as a PSA: Don't let God do this to you. You know better than to stay in a dangerous relationship, be it with an abusive partner or The Bastard Upstairs. GET THE HELL OUT before it's too late.

You're welcome. :-) Until the next bitch-tacular...

Dear God...8/7/12

Dear God...

I can only get so many people to kiss your ass for me, so you'd better send Cojo my way pretty damn soon. Any chance you have of getting on my good side is dwindling down more and more each day you don't do your job. You're welcome.

Bitch-tacular 7/20/12

Wow...

My life is just so confusing these days. I'm just tired of thinking about everything.

I'm constantly being pressured to take classes at my local community college, only to be a part of a club that I've been a part of on and off for the better part of 12 years. However, I'm just not feeling it anymore. I think I've outgrown them. There's just too much drama and conspiracy, and a little bit too much negativity for me to handle. Honestly, I just want to better myself, and I don't think I can get that from them anymore.

What I do know is that I want to make a difference. I'd like to focus more on PKD Power, for starters. I would like to use whatever titles I have in the next year to raise awareness for PKD and anti-bullying. I'd also like to get my learner's permit, cause I'm sick of being at the mercy of public transportation.

And then...there's the God issue. I'm just tired of religitards (An awesome new word. Basically those who spew the bullshit of God/religion every chance they get.) pushing their beliefs on me, even after I tell them I don't give a shit. The thing is...I don't think I can honestly call myself an anti-theist. I don't know why, but I somehow believe that somewhere along the way, he might actually get it right for once in my life.

Yeah, I'm angry at him. God works in mysterious ways? God's fucked up my life in every way possible since BEFORE I was born! Yeah, it sounds like I feel entitled, but why not? I've dealt with being smacked around at home, being bullied at school, going through years and years of on and off depression, more than my share of suicidal thoughts...need I say more?

And yet, I still have hope. Stupid, isn't it? But hey, I won several national pageant titles without him, I'm pretty talented without him, and I got to talk to Cojo (my true savior) without him. So basically, he ain't done shit for me. Why should I start caring now?

Whew...done for now. Just had to get that out.

TTFN

Saturday Confessional 2/11/12

I don't believe in God.

Some people just aren't getting the message.

I've had God shoved down my throat and up my ass, thanks to my mom. When she died, I thought I would finally be free of it. As usual, I was wrong. Now I've got my brother and sister-in-law, and a few friends who are doing a great job of picking up where she left off.

YOU are the reason I don't believe in God! If I say I don't wanna hear it, I absolutely, positively DO NOT wanna hear it! But you're not getting it! Keep it to yourself and far, far away from me! The more I get pushed, the more I will fight back. It's not worth getting all worked up over.

I'm trying to do my best to stay as sane as I can possibly be, and y'all ain't doing me no favors by continuing to bring it up. I'm doing a damn good job without him.

The "Sit Down" Honors 2/6/12

Something new here, based on the Fuckwad Awards, but a little on the nicer side.

The first honoree is...Andre Leon Talley. Why? In case you haven't noticed, YOU'RE. NO. COJO. As long as he's not on my TV, IDGAF. Sit down.

Saturday Confessional 2/4/12

Here we go, Saturday night and here's my confessional for the week.

Came to a revelation I knew was coming, yet wasn't prepared for. Yeah, I'm a pageant titleholder, but I realized...I don't know how to be one. Been watching pageants since I was a kid, but basically all I knew was once a year, women showed up, paraded around in swimsuits and evening gowns, and at the end, one got a crown.
So when I started doing pageants in late 2001 (mainly the online kind), all I had to do was send in pictures, essays, etc., and I had a fair shot. Over the next 10 years, I'd amass an impressive pageant resume. But it was only the past few years that I actually learned that I needed to do more than just enter and reign. I learned about platforms, appearances, and all that. Had a platform (and support other things, as well), but appearances, well...I don't drive...yet. So transportation was, and still is, my biggest issue. Buses and cabs only help you so much. And it doesn't help when half the year is triple-digit degree weather. So, I'm a pageant queen...who's stuck at home the majority of the time because I can't walk to bus stops anymore, and can only afford so many cabs.
I'd really like to get my permit in the next couple months, and my license before the year's out. Because I'm sick of feeling trapped.


Til next post, love and respect...

Because I Said So 2/4/12

Because I said so...

Fired Up (Not Quite) Monday

Well...

The 2012 Royal Rumble was the biggest crock I've ever read. (Can't afford PPV...then again, what's the point?) Congrats to Sheamus for winning it. Now the writers' plans are totally fucked! So now what?

Anyhoo...

Another awards show, another no show for Cojo. I mean, really? My Mondays are absolutely sucking worse than usual without a Best and Worst Dressed list! I'm having bloody withdrawals here!! I swear to God...February 26. God, if you know what's good for you, you will have him on the red carpet at the Oscars. The end.

Saturday Confessional 1/28/12

Saturdays are now the days I get things off my chest.

1. I'm an antitheist. I don't like God, never mind believing in him. As much as I hate reality a lot of the time, I prefer to live in it. DO NOT force beliefs on me because I will most likely get into a conversation I'd really rather not be a part of.

2. I'm a proud plus size pageant queen. Even though I HATE being a big girl, hell, I do like to represent.

3. As badly as WWE sucks these days, I'm still sticking with it. Been watching since I was 16. Favorites are Shawn Michaels and Undertaker.

4. I can't survive without Price Is Right, Iron Chef America (Anytime I can see Iron Chef Japan is EXTRA sweet!), Man vs. Food and The Steve Wilkos Show.

5. I'm not ashamed to say that I have the most unique taste in music. If it's on my iPod, it's one of my favorites for a reason.

6. Also not ashamed to say that I, like a crapload of other women, think that Constantine Maroulis is the sexiest man alive.

7. I have 2 piercings in my left ear, and 4 in my right. Because I can and I have earned it. I'm sticking with ears only when it comes to piercings, and tattoos are SO not in my future.

8. I have more videos than music on my iPod. A good bit of those are WWE videos.

9. Despite an intense hatred for English class, I love to write! Specialties are poetry and erotic fanfiction.

And 10. I am most definitely not ashamed to say this: Steven Cojocaru is my fucking role model. I SO wanna be like him when I grow up! He's hilarious, gorgeous, and isn't afraid to say what's on his mind. I never had a good male role model until him. His Best and Worst Dressed lists are the only reason to enjoy Mondays. (Sorry, WWE Raw. You lose.)

So that's a better insight into me. Enjoy and respect!

Because I Said So Fridays 1/27/12

Because I said so.

I'm Back!

First off...DO NOT GET BRONCHITIS! It's not fun and a surefire week and mood ruiner.

Now...I am quite aware that this blog has been severely neglected, and that was due to lack of sanity, time, health, patience, sleep, food, etc.

Well...I'm starting over. Just posted for the first time on over a year! Trust me, I'm just getting started!