I'm just absolutely pissed right now.
I've been thinking about why and how much I hate religion and God...and the revelation hit me this afternoon.
I wouldn't be feeling this way if my mom (RIP) hadn't fed me these lies about how I could get anything I wanted just by praying. Started when I was in 6th grade. I wanted to get into the gifted program, so I had her pastor pray for me. I didn't get in.
It was then that I started to question the whole thing. I'd just about given up on God by the time I turned 19. My skepticism continued all throughout my mom's battle with diabetes, all her hospital trips, etc. But I knew I was done a long time before then. I wanted my mom to survive because I never wanted to face the fact that she would die someday. Even though, I still held on to the fact that "God" would let her live a long time. She lived an extra 3 years from the time she had congestive heart failure. But when she eventually passed on, my suspicions were confirmed. There was no longer any sense in believing. "God" couldn't keep her here until Christmas or my birthday. I was done.
Even before she passed, I let her know every day that I was an atheist (that was the only term I knew back then), she hated me for it and constantly yelled at me for it all the way into her last months. But even she couldn't change my mind.
As much as I loved her, I hate her for not only not accepting me as an atheist, I hate her for forcing to believe the bullshit she constantly spewed out every day. At least I know the truth now, but my brother and sister-in-law are picking up where she left off. I recently got into a huge fight with them over the profile of my anti-religion page "No Religitards Allowed", which said "Atheism: the belief that we're not God's bitch". Of course, they were offended. So that led to my sister-in-law not wanting me to talk to her anymore and my brother and I are still on shaky ground.
So, thanks, Mom, for showing me how NOT to be in this world. I'm no longer God's bitch, I'm my own bitch.
Til next time...
